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Post by nickd on Jan 3, 2013 22:37:55 GMT 1
Iain always had a problem with numbers As people have recently started to notice Iain remembers the days when he battled with his little abacus... At the age of 2 Iain thinks he's aged 8 He hoped no-one would ever get to know... Iain hoped he had overcome life's obstacles in pursuit of a vision... By which time Iain is counting with both fingers Iain became 'IDS' and went on to climb a big tree... All the way to the top of the DWP Iain's has all the numbers written down now Iain wasn't to know his vision would be dictated by a man on a mission A really nasty man who didn't have much time for Iain or his vision... " IDS - can you remember how it was in the 1990's when we were in last in power and you had up all those stupid ideas about being prime minister?
Can you remember how it was that unemployment had hit a record high?
How much everyone hated us as much as they hate us today?
Can you remember those dark horrible days IDS?
Can you think back to how we pretended to fix vast numbers of horrible little people who we had kicked out out of a job and onto the dole?
Can you cast your little mind back to how we fooled all our voters in to thinking we had reduced the unemployment which in fact we had created IDS?
Can you think back that far IDS? "
"Why yes George I think I can remember those days.
Wasn't that when we created all that incapacity benefit and disability stuff and made out we were on the side of the disabled so everyone would think we were nice people, on the side of the genuinely disadvantaged, when we realised that it was us who had actually made people ill, wasn't that when we boosted the numbers on incapacity to I think upwards of 2.6 million?
All those poor people our party had made really ill, it was dreadful George and I'm proud of what we did to make amends for all those people - we started to make them feel valued for all the damage which we had so cruelly inflicted upon them...
Have I got that right George? "
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Post by nickd on Jan 4, 2013 15:04:08 GMT 1
"Tell me about this 'vision' you have IDS, what prey is your vision, quickly now I have to get inside my big black door, quickly now IDS it's getting cold out here IDS, more about your vision, what about your vision? ..." Iain's counting with his fingers again "Just three minutes of your time George if I may,
My vision, my vision is that we must turn around the lives of all those we condemned to a lifetime on benefits, some of them have been on benefits since 1995 when we got the DWP to write to them all and say they're entitled to a lifetime on benefits without ever having to see their doctor again. Those poor people took that to mean we'd cast them aside in to the wilderness with their only contact with the outside world being the fortnightly giro the DWP sent them and now we need to say we're sorry we didn't mean to forget about them. We need George to give them back hope, aspiration, to give them confidence, to restore their hope so they may once again be able to work after telling them they never had to all those years ago.
We also need George to give them plenty of support with something I've been thinking of called the WORK programme, and to simplify their benefits so they don't get all confused with the myriad of benefits which we created and which confuse the hell out of people, that's why George I've thought of something else called Universal Credit which simplifies all benefits and rolls them up in to one single streamlined payment ...
But of course George we need to protect the most vulnerable and to make sure they are properly looked after with all the rights we gave them when we proudly introduced the range of benefits which we brought in. I really want to make a difference and I'm so pleased you've given me this chance George....." "Good grief IDS
Don't you know that sticking two fingers up means two minutes rather than three?
IDS I've got a very limited departmental expenditure limit which you will work within, let me have your costings for this grandiose scheme tomorrow morning. Now sod off I'm going indoors to make a phone call and I'll hear no more of your nonsense until some other time when I call for you...."
"Bye George
I promise not to [auto mod] it up" As he backs out of Downing Street through the infamous Mitchell gates
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Post by nickd on Jan 4, 2013 22:49:52 GMT 1
After IDS leaves there's a phone exchange.... (Osborne on speaker phone) " How'd it go George? "There's good and bad, more good than bad though so that's good. Just the opposite of the economy then George?Oh let's not talk about the economy Dave, you know I'm hoping to see some sign of growth by sometime late 2018....George, the good news?He still can't for the life of him....Hah! You mean he still can't, he can't....Yep, just like you and I, and everyone in the cabinet, he still can't.....Count, he still bloody well can't count can he?Nope, I told you it was good news, Dave, I knew it would come as good news.....Sure does, that's really good, so he'll swallow it....Hook line and sinker, Oh yes, he'll think he can do all this welfare stuff on my miserly budgetary cost cutting austerity department expenditure limit, and he'll genuinely sound like he believes every statistic he spouts...Perfect, fantastic, fantastic! I'll text Rebekah and get her to break the news to our unsuspecting voters one fine morning and IDS will sound like he believes every word he says when he goes live later on the telly, ah perfect, now you said something about bad news, now what would that be George?Disability; Dave....Well yes I've been called that a few times like when I spun all those lies to the National Autistic Society, remember when I came over all caring and compassionate?No Dave, I mean Disability as in he thinks it is actually something we give a [auto mod] about?Oh good grief, he doesn't does he? Put him straight George, put him straight, they'll be no disability under my watch....We cannot afford non essential commodities such as disability when we're signed up to all these payment by results contracts with Atos, G4S, Serco, Capita, A4E, Cable & Wireless, Rehab Group, Seetec, Ingeus, ESG, JHP Group, BEST,......."Okay George, I'll have to stop you there as I haven't got all night; just let me know how it goes when you tell IDS what his plans are
Bye, LOL, sorry George forget the LOL, got carried away and was thinking of someone else..."
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Post by nickd on Jan 5, 2013 10:31:23 GMT 1
IDS worked day and night Relentlessly counting on fingers & thumbs Before proudly presenting his welfare sums
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Post by nickd on Jan 5, 2013 10:31:47 GMT 1
next
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Post by nickd on Jan 6, 2013 20:30:17 GMT 1
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